Farewell My Friend

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another”.  ~Anatole France

In life there is love and loss, but with loss comes the opportunity for something new to love… I however, am not quite to that stage in my “grief”. Today, I am feeling the beginnings of loss. I know that some may not understand my heartache, but if you’ve ever had a special place that has intigrated itself into the very fibers of your being, has become a part of you, and has helped you to grow into who you are becoming then you know what I am feeling.

For me, this place is my local Borders and specifically the very cafe that I am sitting at present for what may be the last time.

Now, I know it’s just a building and just a business, and there are other book stores out there, but to me it has been so much more over the years. It has been my refuge, my escape, my battlefield, my inspiration, my challenger, my friend.

It all began several years ago, when my love affair with reading was rekindled and I discovered the stacks anew. Countless hours spent -and in all honesty, probably countless dollars too *shh don’t tell hubby* ;)- browsing the different genres, learning where all the titles of my new favorite authors rested waiting for me to find them. Imagination, fantasy, and creativity infused new life deep into my soul. For years I struggled lacking the proper creative outlet for me allowing a dormancy to take root, but Borders on it’s white stallion charged in trampling it, letting the seedlings of creativity grow.

*dramatic much?* Sigh. Today I’m feeling especially dramatic and sentimental. Don’t they know? I DON’T DEAL WITH CHANGE WELL! I’m one of those “slow to process big change” people. Borders has been with me from the very beginning of not only my reading rebirth, but my writing journey. I have a favorite spot in the cafe that my muse shows up with fresh inspiration as I gaze out at all the stacks of all those that have gone before me in this journey. All the imagination! The creativity! The realized dreams! – staring right back at me, willing me to keep going, to keep writing, to keep following my dream.

Borders has not only been my safe haven for all the words in my head to find freedom, but it holds social sentiments as well. I have made friends here- the staff all know me and the baristas know my name and my drink (which who doesn’t love that?)- I met a special writer friend here who has been a point of inspiration and motivation for me (you know who you are 😉 It is also the place my mom, my daughter and I go to spend time together. I have been bringing my daughter here since she was tiny (granted she’s only 2). When we drive by she yells from her car seat kicking her feet in excitment, “Book store?” She loves to run up and down the isles and have her “special drink” in the cafe with Grammy. She LOVES to read- girl after my own heart!

Now where will I go? My muse is stubborn, I’ll have to begin coaxing her off the ledge of despair into a hope that there is another place she can flourish and be free. I know… dramatic. Her, of course, not little ol’ me 😉

So to the Borders of Northpointe Shopping Center, Thank You and Goodbye.

“Change always comes bearing gifts.”  ~Price Pritchett

I was partially inspired to write this after reading Christina Katz’ post on her Borders memories- give it a read!

What about you? Do you have any Borders memories to share?

Rantings

Ugghhh!  Today, I’m ranting.  I feel pent up and need to let it out, but where to release the flood of irritations that are within me, but here at my precious blog that hopefully no one will read and really shouldn’t read.  I haven’t been able find my personal journal since we moved, so this is where it is landing.  I NEED to write, I feel it building within me but I haven’t had, found, made the time to get it out and thus it creates a bubble stretched so tight fearing it will pop at any moment.  I’ve been housebound to much recently and my daughter (bless her heart) is having a rough time geting the ‘napping thing’ down to longer than 30 min – which needless to say is not enough time to do hardly anything.  I’m irritated which isn’t helpful.  I feel confined within myself as well as my surrounding, but thank God the weather is warming up so we can get outside (silly enough, being able to wear my beloved flip flops today is a small release from the confinement of the gray, cold winter – every little bit helps ;).  I’m frustrated with my writing when I get the chance to work on it.  It’s not flowing how I feel it should and I feel like my story is stifled and it’s not being told properly, which probably means I went wrong somewhere.  I’m tired of the “transition” our life has been in to be honest.  It seems like it’s been a long one.  I know it hasn’t been easy on my husband as he is carrying the brunt of this burden while I rear the child (which I am extremely honored to be able to do).  It just feels like we are on the edge of something different, good, and exciting but just not quite able to touch it.  I know we will get there and I have faith for it, but today my irritations are getting the best of me.  I hoping by getting it out here, that I will be rid of it.  Shake it off!  Get it together!  I will but for now, I need to rant.  You don’t have to read it.  I’ll probably just delete it later so you can’t read it.  Oh well.  I am very blessed to be in the situation we are in for our life and living arrangements until something different opens up, but I need to not be a ‘space’ in someone else’s surroundings.  I need me and my family to be us in our own surroundings.  I miss that expression of me.  I express most of my creativity in my surroundings and that has been stifled, stuck, pent up for too long now.  I now my time is coming soon – it’s not permanent – and we all do what we have to do sometimes so thus the rant.  Since this is my rant, I’m not even going to re-read it, spell check it, or grammar check it (which is not easy for me but theraputic).

So taking a deep breath….

Yes, I’m feeling better now that I’ve unleashed my inner rantings and thrown it up for you to enjoy.  I hope no one is actually reading this and I should just delete it, but instead I’m going to leave it because I don’t have to be perfect and worry about what others may think of me and my writing.  This has been freeing for me and I think I may even try it again.

*disclaimer:  my life is not bad, actually quite the opposite.  I am very blessed and have a wonderful family.  It was just one of those days.  We all have ’em might just tend to build then pop.